Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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