i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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