i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
