Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
