Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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