have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
