Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
