I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
