i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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