I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Drunk is not a location!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
