Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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