Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
