if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
