Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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