is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
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She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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