i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
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the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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