My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
