Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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