Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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