so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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