Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
