Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
