also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
