there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
