If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
