Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
