Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
