Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
