i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
