i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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