im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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