don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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