Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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