I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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