my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
