Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
