they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
