im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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