the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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