im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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