Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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