so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
