Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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