this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
