my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
