I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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