I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I need moral support for this bender
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
