worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
