You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
