I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
