Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
