why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
