I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
