i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
