Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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