Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
