i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
