I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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