I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
