just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
