i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
