I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
