how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
