So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
