K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
